By Russell Myers, D.Min.
You’re aware that a dispatcher or fire crew responded to a 911 call that may have been emotionally challenging. It would be easy enough to just let it go and say nothing.
On the other hand, if you’re in a leadership role, you might be expected to offer some support. If they’re a friend, or even a coworker who you don’t know well, you might feel like the least you can do is to acknowledge the incident. When you feel the need to just say something, but the words don’t come quickly enough, one strategy is to keep a cheat sheet of conversation starters.
Below are examples of phrases to use when the need arises. These scripts can be used verbally or adapted for use in a text message.
[MORE | 10 red flag phrases that signal first responders are struggling with stress]
Why it’s important to check in after a challenging call
The goals of starting a supportive conversation after a tough call are to:
- Be proactive and normalize your response to a situation that has the potential to evoke a strong emotional reaction
- Communicate that stress is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation; there’s nothing wrong with you
- Open up opportunities to engage with them, offering support and resources
How to start the conversation with care
What to say to get the conversation started:
- “Checking in with you after the ________ incident. Sounds like it had the potential to be stressful. How are you doing?”
- “I saw the report on the ________ incident. I know it’s been a couple of days, and I apologize for not following up with you sooner, but I wanted you to know I’m aware of it and am available if I can be of support.”
- “That ________ incident sounds like it might have been a challenge. I’m here if you’d like to talk.”
- “I’m following up with you about the ________. I hope you have people to talk to. Let me know how I can be of support.”
- “We’re working on being more intentional with our follow up after ________ incidents, so this is a routine check in. Different people have different reactions to these things, and I don’t want to assume anything one way or the other. How are you?”
When you’re asked to check in on someone else’s behalf
Sometimes, we get asked to check on someone, and the person making the request asks us not to say who made the request. I appreciate the concern, but may point out that:
- Your coworker will probably know who it was
- I don’t want to get in the middle of your relationship, whatever it is
- Your friends might appreciate knowing that you’re concerned about them
Here’s a phrase to try when following up with the person a coworker is concerned about:
“One of your coworkers mentioned that you seemed to be taking the ________ incident pretty hard. They were concerned about you and asked me to check in with you.”
What to expect after you reach out
One note of caution — the other person might be caught off guard by your expression of concern. Out of respect, if you’re doing this in person, try to find a time and place to bring up the difficult call when they can respond honestly.
Once you break the ice, leave it up to the other person to respond (or not) as they wish. Responses vary widely, including denying that it had any emotional impact or downplaying the incident, going into a lot of detail, asking for help finding a good therapist, or asking to meet with you sometime for deeper conversation. Any or no response is acceptable.
Keep the conversation focused on the incident and your concern for their wellbeing. Avoid trying to talk them into anything or give any hint that you are judging their ability to cope with highly charged incidents. Be prepared to refer them to appropriate resources.
If you send a text message using one of these scripts, avoid having any expectations. They might reply, or they might not. They might thank you for your concern, or they might not. They might reply days later. Whatever follows your initial outreach is a bonus.
The most important thing is that you noticed, took the first step of acknowledging the difficult call, and cared enough to say something.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Russ Myers retired after 18 years as chaplain with Allina Health EMS, St. Paul, Minnesota. He is the author of “Because We Care: A Handbook for Chaplaincy in Emergency Medical Services.”
